EMOTIONAL SUPPORT NEEDED
Hi,
Gee, what an emotional rollercoster ride. I am 22 long pre-op days out. I
believe(oh, I hope) that I have eaten the majority of my LAST SUPPER. I have
gained 8 lbs in 2 1/2 months and boy, do I feel yuck. I seem to be leveling off
on my food intake. That is so strange it is almost like someone has given you a
license to eat anything you ever dreamed of. Even with my yo-yoing my whole
life, I have never been on such a sustained binge in my life. I quit smoking 49
days ago, so I am sure that added to my feeding frenzy.
I started walking the first of January, that was a chore. But now it feels
good(lets say it hurts so good) a bulging disc in my back and extremely sore
feet. But it feels mentally good to take deep breaths and move this big body.
I am quite certain my weight gain would have been much greater without the
walking. I am up to 2 miles a day and I drag my poor old fat dog with me.
Needless to say my dog is looking great and he has alot more energy now.
But I am obsessing about this surgery. I want so badly to be on the other side.
It seems like I eat, breath and sleep this surgery. Its all I talk about,
studying about it is neverending. I am on the verge of tears alot. I dont know
why, I am not a crier. I have spent my whole life being a “tuff chick” lol. This
is very uncomfortable for me. I have close friends that I can talk to, but
noone can really relate unless it is something you have walked through. Support
Groups, well you guys are my support group. There are no meetings in my area. So
Please if there are any words of wisdom or just confirmation that this is all
normal, Please I need to know. Just knowing there is a way out of this fat body
that I am trapped in ,is a wonderful thought.
You know I guess I am just flat-*ssed scared. Okay now I have admitted
it.OOOOOOOOWWWWW, that hurts. You see I am not allowed to be scared or hurt or
anything that is not the complete tower of strength. I am a single Mom with 2
teenaged daughters, You see they have noticed my Super-Mom Cape has some holes
in it recently, they dont have near the problem with it as I do. I am the owner
of our 50 year old construction company, yes Mom and Dad entrusted me with the
family business. I have no problem being a hard nosed busness person(even though
in the opinion of most of the people I deal with I am the “wrong” gender).
But you know, down deep I am still the fat little girl that noone wanted to
choose to be on their team in gymclass. I am the one who had fatty,fatty 2 by 4,
sung to her on a daily basis. I played a mean game of softball, but I never had
a prom date. Damn these tears I cant even see to type. I will be 40 years old in
June, you would think I would get over this by now. You see I did have a good
childhood My Parents loved me and were good to me, I just wanted to have a
normal childhood. I didnt want my Brother to have to punch anyone out for
making me cry(or later on I just punched them out myself). I didnt want my
grandmother to have to make all of my clothes, I wanted to go and buy them at
the store like everyone else. I didnt want to take diet pills at 8 years old,
they made me feel funny, My Mom didnt know what to do for me either. I am sure
everyone else that has been fat their whole life has their own set of scars
also.
I am seeing a counselor, Ive done years of therapy,low self-esteem, speed
addiction,co-dependancy, grief counseling(loss of my Mom). My dear counselor is
a lilthe 5′10 and about 120 lbs, she is very good but she cant relate to not
feeling normal, ever. She tries and has been helpfull on alot of issues but I
dont feel the wisdom is there on this issue.
Bottem line is I want so desperatly to be normal sized. I hate being the
biggest person in the room,almost always. Hey I know it will not solve all my
problems,some scars just run too deep. But to feel good physically and to
mentally be happy with what I see in the mirror will be a dream come true. The
opportunity of having WLS is a Blessing. Its going to be tuff, it already is.
But isnt that true about everything that is worthwhile.
Thanks for hearing me vent, Wow that came out in a huge lump.
Thanks Again
julie
OPEN RNY
MARCH 12
SELF-PAY
5′9″ 330LBS
July 25th, 2003 at 4:22 am
Julie,
Wow! I can completely relate to just about everything you said. I
want you to know, you are not alone! We have all had the songs sung
to us, been the last one’s picked for any type of team (especially
sports) no matter how good we were, had to ask someone to the
prom/dances if we wanted to go and the list goes on from there. It
is ok to not be the tough one all of the time, it really is. I know
that in my own life, I have used the weight as a shield for so long I
don’t know what else to use. Guess I really don’t need one! There
is still weight there that needs to be gone, and it will but I’m on
the way. Keep your head up girl. You will be fine!
April
July 25th, 2003 at 7:51 am
Julie,
So much of what you said struck a chord with me. I too was just over 300lbs
when I started. I too used to live, eat, and breath this surgery…and that
was because it was literally my last hope. I didn’t have anywhere else to
turn and I knew I had given up prior to looking into this surgery. I had a
twinge (and I do mean tiny twinge) of hope through WLS but I had almost
forgotten what it was like to dream of being “normal” sized. The emotional
roller-coaster you are on is very normal. You can be excited and scared all
at the same time. You can feel shame that you have let yourself get to the
point of needing this surgery and still feel proud of the fact that you are
taking the steps necessary to face your problems. You can be feeling what is
the use… you will fail at this too and feeling hope about the possiblity of
being normal sized again very soon. All these emotions can hit you in the
space of a few minutes and very few people can really understand the
emotional toll it is taking on you to face your problems with food and work
toward having a life saving procedure called WLS. I too had very supporting
family, friends and co-workers but it wasn’t enough. I needed this group
because I knew that most of the people here understood exactly what I was
facing.
If it is any help, what you are going through is very normal. I would be more
worried about you if you were not freaking out a bit. My best advise is this:
prepare as much as possible…both mentally and physically. Walk like you
have been, drink more water then you normally do, try to watch your food
intake and if you can set a goal of loosing a little weight prior to surgery,
start taking your vitamens now, and start working on eating protein first and
veggies second, cut out the soda and caffine drinks now and if possible the
refined sugar too. This sounds like a lot but work on it one thing at a time
and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t do things 100%… after all these are
only the first steps to a new life and you are making life time changes. You
didn’t develop the old bad habits overnight and you won’t develop the new
good habits overnight either. Pat yourself on the back for every success.. no
matter how small. I for one think you have made some terrific choices as of
late as it relates to your health. You will be surprised how supportive and
positive some people will be during this process and how stupid others can
be… but hey, the most important person is yourself. Support your own
efforts .. after all… you know better then anyone if they are right for
you. Take care….. you sounds pretty normal to me cause those emotions and
struggles you mentioned are exactly what I went through. Take care.
Sandra in California
Post-Op June 21, 2001 Surgery Date
Dr. Zorn, Pacific Baratrics San Deigo A good doctor in your corner
Pre Op 316lbs BMI 53.0 Highest pre-op weight (-0)
6/21/01 306lbs BMI 52.6 Day of surgery (-10)
7/24/01 278lbs BMI 47.8 300lb range gone forever, happy with life
(-38)
8/18/01 260lbs BMI 44.7 I have a cute shape (boyfriend comment)
(-56)
9/1/01 255lbs BMI 43.9 Happy Birthday to Me! 61 pds gone
forever! (-61)
10/4/01 240lbs BMI 41.3 Weigh less then drivers license. (-76)
11/3/01 229lbs BMI 39.4 A bitter sweet day. Lost boyfriend and
(-87lbs)
12/4/01 219lbs BMI 37.7 So close to 100 pound loss. Next time!
(-97)
12/13/01 216lbs BMI 37.2 Diamonds are a girls bestfriend (-100)
12/23/01 211lbs BMI 36.3 Video Update (-105)
1/24/02 202lbs BMI 34.7 Flying to NY a “normal” size looking
person (-115)
2/4/02 199lbs BMI 34.2 Under 200… whoo hooo (-117)
2/18/02 195lbs BMI 33.5 Still a loser! LOL (-121)
July 25th, 2003 at 7:49 pm
I am so terrified to have this surgery done. It certainly is my last resort. I
am a tiny person living in a huge body…I have been on every diet there is
known to man. I have done this to myself. I am terrified to research anymore
because of what I have read on this site.
July 26th, 2003 at 9:28 pm
Wow! You are terrified because what you have read on the OSSG posts?
Well, Dawn, let me tell you I wouldn’t reverse my surgery for all the
world. I just passed my three-month mark and have lost about 100
pounds so far.
I’ve read success story after success story on this site. Personally,
I’ve had few side effects, virtually NO PAIN, and more energy than I
dreamed that I could have again.
No body is going to talk you into this surgery. It’s a huge
committment. You do it for your own personal reasons.
I recommend that you go to www.sabariatric.com and read EVERYTHING on
that site. It has all the statistics, ups, downs and details on the
surgery.
Sounds like you might also want to talk to a counselor before you go
any further.
Best of luck, which ever way you decide.
Felicia Campbell
July 31st, 2003 at 12:23 am
I felt so sad reading your post and had many of the same feelings just 3
short years ago. I was a size 24-26 … and now … I’m a size 8 and
sometimes can hold my breath for a size 6! This surgery, right or wrong,
brought me to this point. For all the ups and downs and pros and cons, it
works.
Don’t worry about the eating binge. You’ll lose the weight you gained in
the first month and you’ll keep losing too. Once I made the decision to
have the surgery I felt the need to say “good-bye” to all the foods I loved
to eat. Good-bye bananas, good-bye Little Debbies, good-bye pasta. Looking
back now it’s hilarious. Because I can eat them now but in tiny amounts.
Before a banana was something to eat while I found something to eat. Now
1/2 banana is the whole meal. Before I could eat 4 twin–packs of Little
Debbies … now if I can eat one single without feeling ill it’s a major
treat. Before I could eat 1/2 pound of pasta or more for dinner … and
still have room for chips and ice cream an hour later while watching TV.
Now if I make 2 ounces I’m so stuffed I can’t believe I ate it all.
It’s natural to have all kinds of emotional swings as you approach your
surgery date. It’s a major decision that will affect you for the rest of
your life. You shouldn’t go into it lightly. The more freaky you feel now,
the more confident you’ll feel later that you made the right decision. And
for people like us, who’ve tried everything before and are willing to risk
everything now, this is definitely the right decision!
Best of luck on your journey!
— Bari
RNY 1/99
234-144
Message: 13
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 10:22:01 -0800 (PST)
From: JULIE SNIDER <julie_snider2000@…
Subject: EMOTIONAL SUPPORT NEEDED
Hi,
Gee, what an emotional rollercoster ride. I am 22 long pre-op days out. I
believe(oh, I hope) that I have eaten the majority of my LAST SUPPER. I have
gained 8 lbs in 2 1/2 months and boy, do I feel yuck. I seem to be leveling
off on my food intake. That is so strange it is almost like someone has
given you a license to eat anything you ever dreamed of. Even with my
yo-yoing my whole life, I have never been on such a sustained binge in my
life. I quit smoking 49 days ago, so I am sure that added to my feeding
frenzy.