Last thoughts before surgery…
Dear Virtual Journal,
Surgery is on Tuesday. I’ve had an upset stomach for about 2 weeks
now. My nerves are jumbled and I’m not sure what to think. I’m
trying to think positive, but I keep thinking… what if I’m the
statistic that dies on the operating table! I know that sounds
horrible, but that is truly going through my mind. I have a little
girl whom I love to pieces and I want to be a mommy for a very, very
long time.
Great, now I’m crying. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to a loved
one that I’m never going to see again and a part of me doesn’t want
Tuesday to come (March 5th) and the other side of me dreams about
wearing shorts and tank tops in the summer time.
I just know that I’m going to be crying on the opertating table
before they put me to sleep… saying goodbye to the old me that
I’ve lived with for so many years and hoping to embrace the new me
that will “wake up” after 2-3 hours of surgery.
I’ve started a support group that will begin March 31st. Why? I’m
doing this for me (I’m sure others will need it too), but I know
that I will REALLY need others as it will probably take me awhile to
mourn the loss of comfort foods for all occasions.
I’m scared. I’m really scared. Sometimes I wonder how I’m keeping
so calm with only 3 days seperating me from my new life. But no one
knows what’s really going on inside me. It’s a battle each night
before I go to bed to not break down crying, I’m trying to be strong
and think positive. Everything is going to be o.k. Oh, if I could
only know that for a FACT.
Well, I’m headed to bed. I am going to try to think positive. I’ll
try to go to bed knowing that this will be the last Friday night
that I will struggle to breathe at night on my back, walk up the
stairs and still be able to talk when I reach the top and lastly,
say goodbye to the chains of food that are strapped so tightly
around my ankles.
I’m going to be free.
Kristiina
August 26th, 2003 at 2:43 pm
I think it’s normal to be nervous and have fears before surgery. Mine is
March 18th so I still have a little time but I understand where you are
coming from. Keep thinking of the positive I’m sure that will help. One
thing that has helped me is to hear of my sister’s success. She keeps
telling me how wonderful it is and she is so glad that she could have it
done. She is about 7 months out and has lost 127 lbs. She has been an
encouragement to me that everything is going to be ok and I too will loose
the weight. You will too. Just keep seeing yourself doing things you
haven’t been able to do or have trouble doing. Just think, within a few
weeks you’ll be able to do more and more!! I think it’s wonderful that you
are starting a support group. That’s a very positive thing to be involved
in. You take care. Keep thinking positive and go for it. You are going to
make it through just fine. Sharon