to barbara
This is for you, Barbara. I had been reading your many emails for
months after I had my surgery and always found them inspiring, and a
great help. This is not meant to hurt you, I just need some answers,
and am hoping that it won’t be too painful for you to provide those for
me.
I stopped reading emails a few months ago, my life got too busy. Then
one night I had a dream that everyone was telling me to stop eating,
and the more they said that, the fatter I got, just like pre-op. I
woke up with the worst anxiety attack!! I got to 160 a few months ago
and have not lost any more. I am perfectly satisfied with where I am
at, I seemed to have leveled off, and have not gained any weight.
Well, after that dream I decided I needed to go back into the group.
First thing I did was to go into the archives and read your emails.
Imagine how I felt when I read that you had gained weight. The world
came crashing down on me, i did nothing but fight with my so, who one
day said, do you really think you should eat that? Well, that did it.
Now i have this horrible fear that I will go back to where I was, and
maybe worse. I was a failure all my life, why shouldn’t I be a failure
now? Not that I am saying that you are a failure, far from it. I just
mean that I am afraid that I will be. Does this make any sense? How
do we get there, what do we have to do? Is there really any hope?
ANd, furthermore, how can I feel this way when I am smaller than I have
ever been?
Donna 1-31-01, 278/160 for the last few months