This is it
Hello all.
I’m a rare poster, and haven’t been around too long. So far I’ve only
occasionally littered the list with research questions, but things have just
changed. With all respect to those of you that went through great
difficulty, strife, and waiting to get approval for and scheduling of your
surgery, I am one of the lucky ones. Pre-op consultation with the surgeon on
2/3, running the gauntlet of pre-op tests and “ologists”, followed by
submission of my information to my insurance company about a month ago. I
was approved in just under 2 weeks. Then, about a week ago, I was called by
the doctor’s office and found out that my world is going to change on May
14th. This is really happening fast, and believe me, I’m thankful it is.
But I do have a question for any of you who feel you can provide insight
into it. I think it’s really heartwarming when I read a posting from someone
who has just been approved, and they’re jumping up and down with excitement,
and cannot WAIT until their surgery date, like a kid before Christmas. But
as nice as that is to read, I’m finding it difficult to relate to. For a few
days after being approved I was elated that the process was so painless up
to that point. But since I’ve been given The Date, I’m basically terrified.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t question for a second that this is still the
right thing to do, and I do look forward to what will ultimately be a new
life. But the surgery looms ahead much like I imagine it would for someone
going in for a kidney transplant. A necessary thing, and you’ll feel better
later, but not necessarily a happy occasion in the meantime.
The bottom line is that right now, I find myself more preoccupied with what
I am sacrificing than what I am gaining with having this procedure. Seeing
the overwhelming positivity displayed by so many of you only makes me more
ashamed that I’m feeling this way. Am I in a normal phase, or is this some
kind of indication that I’m not ready or something?
Thanks for listening.
Josh in WI
January 30th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Normal? God, yes it’s normal. Thinking, “WHAT AM I DOING?” Do I really want
to give up pizza and soda and ice cream and donuts and eating so much I
could burst whenever I want to? Sure, you’re going to feel that way. You
wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. The day of surgery for me, all my DH would
have had to say, was “Please, don’t do this” and I would have chickened out.
Do I miss the foods I can never eat? Sometimes. But am I glad I went through
it? You bet your life I am! From not fitting into a booth in a restaurant,
to having to refuse clothes that are now too big in less than six months.
From a woman’s 30 to a woman’s 18. Health problems gone, energy galore, and
looks of admiration from my DH have made it all worth while. It’s ok to be
scared. That means your head is in the right place it should be. Just don’t
let the fear rule you like we all have let food rule us. You are the one in
control. You decide. Not the food or the fear. You may be giving up a few
things, but you are gaining, (or losing, really) so much more.
Nona
LAP RnY 12/5/3
299/215.5(finally a loss)/?
January 31st, 2007 at 2:51 am
Josh,
What do you think you are sacrificing?
Looking back at over five years out here is what i have found i sacrificed:
If I didn’t have the surgery I would have gained a lot of physical pain and
agony as my health deteriorated.
I have gained so much more than what I have lost. My gains:
A CHILD!
mobility
flexibility
the ability to breathe and move at the same time
self confidence
I could continue the list but it would go on ad nauseum
Health
I dont really think I sacrificed anything of importance. I can eat anything
I desire. Things taste great. I have a sense of fullness and am not always
hungry. What is it you are afraid you are sacrificing?
There is no reason you should be ashamed of how you are feeling. When I was
approved I had an overwhelming sense of calm. I just felt it was right but I
was still afraid of the unknown. But I was more afraid of what I did know.
Josh, don’t be ashamed of what you are feeling. Acknowledge it and try to
understand it. There is nothing wrong with that. But what is it you are
afraid you are sacrificing? Tell us and maybe we can help you address it.
Denise
mailto: dferguson@…
BTC, Columbus, 10/7/98
January 31st, 2007 at 12:33 pm
hello Josh!
i, too, had my process go very fast once i had the consult.(I am in Canada,
so the wait time for the consult is usually over a year and then after the
initial consult it takes anywhere from 1-2 more yrs for the surgery). I saw
a new dr in our province and from calling his office tosee what i needed to
get a consult to teh surgery date was a month and a half…*unbelievably*
fast here in Canada!!!!
They called me the Thursday before my surgery date of the following Monday
with a admittance day of Sunday afternoon! Needless to say I was so scared
I cried the entire few days i had to wait. After waiting for years on
waiting lists to suddenly being BOOKED was too much for my head to grasp.
I, like you, knew I wanted it done…i had no thoughts of backing out, but i
was scared sooooo much of dying! And, to be honest, i was already starting
to “mourn” the loss of the “high” I would get as an emotional overeater. I
ate everything in site and then some. I felt I had to cram all the
forbidden foods in right before i went in becasue i knew that i probably
wouldn’t be able to handle them for quite some time to coem afterwards. I
even made sure i ate a sub right before the midnight deadline of eating and
drinking. I had my “last supper” of a sub and 2 cans of full sugar soda and
some chips. I even squeezed in 4 cups of water before the midnight
deadline…i knew i was going to be PARCHED the next day!!!
DO NOT feel ashamed in ANY way. I was *very* pre-occupied with the loss of
the food. So many things in our lives are interconnected with food.
Holidays, parties, birthdays, even getting sick usually brings about a
favorite meal or home made chicken soup! I was someone who felt great with
the world if my cupboards were full and so was my tummy. We could be hours
away from gettign our phone cut (as an example), but as long as I had
somethign to eat, everything was going to be OK!
I was feeling awful about not being able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever
i wanted. I loved the freedom of not having to plan for meals and I didn’t
have to let ppl know i can’t eat certain things at gatherings or dinners. I
liked being able to stop at a 24-hr place and pick up anything i wanted to
eat and not have to worry about dumping or getting somethign stuck or is it
“good” for me—and I knew it wasn’t going to be the case after the surgery.
Even a month and a half out from the surgery I was still seeing only
negative…i had an incision that got infected (I had a lap rny) and the
staples ripped open so i had to contend with that….I was 451 lbs, so even
30 or 40 lbs down was BARELY noticeable in my body(just in my face,
actually) and how I felt in daily life…..I was constantly throwing up,
even the tiniest bit of extra lean hamburger crumbles….and I was mourning
food BIG TIME!
It has only been within the last say, 6 weeks or so that I have been findign
this as a positive experience. Not saying that there aren’t some days where
i wish i could just eat my “normal” way for one last day or eat the “bad”
things that make me dump or get me nauseous now….but I feel mostly
positive now!
You are SOOOOO normal and I don’t think looking at The Date as “looming” is
anything to feel bad about. It’s not like you are going in to get a mole
removed—a little snip snip and youa re done. this is life-altering
surgery and like someone else said, I think I would be MORE worried if you
didn’t have some sort of dread.
What i did to *help* ease the pre-occupation of the sacrifice was I focused
on how good people were feeling after the surgery…the LITTLE things they
could do now…the BIG things they could do now….the general tone of
happiness in their posts. I also looked at their numbers of lbs
down…especially those that were in my weight range (which there aren’t as
many as I had hoped, but i suppose that is a good thing lol). While I know
everyone is different, I figured that i would be somewhere in the middle and
thought of all the different things i could achieve at that much down and
the new clothes i cuold wear (instead of teh almost-10-yr-old-pants i
currently wear still) and the things i could do with my husband and son that
i could never do before the surgery.
My best advice i could give you is try to focus on teh positive…the things
that made you want the surgery in the first place. and also don’t beat
yourself up about feeling a bit negative about your date. It is natural and
shows you have a real grasp as to how hard this surgery will be not only on
your body, but on your head as well! It is a long road (and i am only a few
short months into the journey myself), but so far it has been worth it and I
am sure with every pound I lose it will get THAT much better. just keep
your eyes on the prize of being healthy and better able to move around!
and of course..always post to the list if you haev any concerns…we are all
here and you someone has to have had similar feelings as you at one time or
another and would love to listen or give you soem advice :o)
GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Ann
WLS 2/2/04
74 lbs down
January 31st, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Heather (and Josh)
After I read Heather’s response, “What I am irate at is how I was
treated by “normal” people when I was 300+. I am ashamed that I
wasn’t strong enough to stop putting food in my mouth and exercise
more than I did. But those are my issues, and I have to work through
them.”
I have to reply. #1, Heather, please don’t beat yourself up about
your willpower and personal strength. That goes back to how you were
treated pre-op by “normal” people. I have seen “normal” people eat
7,000 calories at one sitting and spend hours sitting on their rumps
and not gain weight. I have been a morbidly obese person who worked
out at the gym more often than any of my friends or family members
and ate less calories per day than them as well and still managed to
gain weight. I spent years trying to combat my obesity issues on my
own. I finally know what it feels like to sit in a chair and not
check it out before hand to make sure it looks big enough for me and
most importantly strong enough for me. Guess what? I still work out
more than my thin friends and I now eat WAY less than them. I don’t
beat myself up about it, though. I stopped losing weight almost a
year ago, but I am still hopeful that I will get to goal. My body is
still reshaping and I still exercise and try to eat right.
I, too, get irritated at how well people respond to me now as opposed
to the years of being invisible. It is hard not to be angry or
suspicious. Would this person invite me to lunch if they met me when
I weighed over 300 pounds? I don’t know. Would that guy wink at me
or smile or hold the door? I do know most would NOT have.
It is what it is. Try to enjoy the life you are gaining back.
good luck,
Mary
February 1st, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I want to thank everyone for your fantastic words of encouragement. You all
can’t imagine how much this has helped me. My trepidation now makes perfect
sense to me, and hearing your stories has helped prepare me for the big day.
Sure, I’m still freaked, but I’m not alone. Thank you all.
Josh